Frequently Asked Questions

Everywhere I go, and every time I open up my e-mail, people ask me questions. So, here are the most frequently asked questions I get:

Q: Do you want unsolicited advice on how to raise your kid, clean your house, or what to write about in your column?

A: No.

Q: Are you Buddhist? Your column has the word 'Zen' in it.

A: No. I was raised a Methodist. I became an Episcopalian later on ('Catholic Light'... all the ceremony and half the guilt). Later, I tried on Baptist for a while, which is what my daughter has become. She was just recently baptized and is going on a mission this summer (I'm very proud)!

In my travels, I've been exposed to many different types of religions. I have friends that are Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Native American, Catholic, Mormon, and Jewish; and I have celebrated their respective holidays with all of them. I will continue to do so. I am a highly spiritual and respectful person and I believe that there are many pathways to God. 'Zen' is simply a Buddhist term that means 'enlightenment.' So, that means I write about whatever enlightens me or strikes me each week (unless it's lightning). Sometimes, it's something funny, sad, spiritual, empowering, mundane, or whatnot. It's just whatever stands out in my mind that week. It means nothing more.

Q: Are you really psycho?

A: I think of it as part of my charm! No seriously, despite what rumors you may hear, I am not a homicidal maniac in pedal pushers. Unless, of course, I'm at the Macy's One Day Sale and some tart tries to grab up the last piece of merchandise in my size. The rest is just menopause and hot flashes and stuff.

Q: Are the people you write about real and are your stories true?

A: Yes. Yes they are! One or two names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent; but The Girls and I have done everything I write about (blushes). Yes, we have rolled yards. Yes, we have run naked in the moonlight. Yes, we are who we are. Yes, I may embellish a few details due to my overwhelming love affair with hyperbole; but the stories are true, and the truth and beauty lies within them. It is raw, emotional, and real. I'll always stand by that!

Q: If I see you out and about in town, do you care if I talk to you? And, how should I address you?

A: No, I don't care, as long as you have something nice to say. Just remember, I like to go to Wal-Mart on Saturday mornings before I've had my shower or put on any make-up, too. And, if you see me in the grocery store and I'm stinky, I just may be coming from the gym (that's my story and I'm sticking to it). As for how to address me, I answer to 'Lynn,' 'Miss Perry,' and 'Hag;' and you can always feel welcome to refer to me as 'Goddess of the Universe.' (My mother always told me I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up!) Any one of those will do.

If you are a student, or one of my former students, 'Miss Lynn' is appropriate; unless you're trying to hit on me in that creepy Mary-Kay-Letourneau-kind-of-way (I will shut that stuff down immediately); in which case, use 'Hot Stuff' or 'Oh Baby, You're Lookin' Good.' That way I'll know to slap the taste out of your mouth!

Q: Is it true you're working on a book? How has that been?

A: Yes. I figure the book, which informally is titled "The Girlfriend's Guide to the Universe," will be done in a few months. That does not mean it will ever be published. Can't help you there because I don't know anything about that yet. As for how has it been? It's been like giving birth. For. Four. Long. Years. 'Nuff said.

Q: Is there any truth that you are going to come up with action figures for you and The Girls?

A: You know, people ask me all the time about wanting to buy an action figure of Lydia... complete with ex-husband voodoo doll accessories and stuff. My cynical-self thinks that's just wrong. I really hadn't thought about it, but if there's money in it, I may reconsider. After all, I've always wanted to be an action figure, and I think Lyd could sell!

Q: Your daughter's friend complained to everyone in town that she had to eat Ramen Noodles and Mac and Cheese for the entire week she stayed over for spring break, and that you didn't go to the grocery store but once. Is there any truth to that?

A: Yes there is. But before you go and call DFACS, get the story straight. I had four teenaged girls in my house all week for spring break, and this kid practically lives at my house. I am not Jesus Christ and I cannot make fishes and loaves multiply!

But, seriously, I've been laid off and I'm trying to live off of 169 bucks a week! There are plenty of fresh fruits and veggies in the house, as well as sandwich fixings… she just doesn't like them. If she wants to eat other stuff, she can go home and ask her real parents to feed her.

Q: How did you learn to write so well?

A: Hoam skool wereked fer me!